Two Are Better than One

This weekend, my best friends and I took a trip shopping!  Pretty basic, I know.  But we had to do it.  The three of us had not hung out together in a such a long time.  I was starting to forget how those times felt.  But as soon as we all got together, we were inseparable.

I am definitely a person with a limited amount of friends.  I would honestly say I can count all my friends on one hand.  That may be a little sad to you (and to me sometimes), but I consider it an accomplishment.  Please don't think I'm not friendly or stand-off-ish because I'm not.  I have plenty of acquaintances and people that I talk to on a daily basis.  I just take the word "friend" seriously.

I am super close to each one of my friends.  I met almost all of them in middle school--you can imagine immensely awkward pre-teens strolling the halls and being all weird.  And not everything in these friendships has been peachy.  We have gone through our fair share of drama, I mean, a LOT of drama.

These girls have been there for me the past almost ten years (what?!), and I can say I have been there for them as well.  Nothing has broken our bonds of friendship.  God has been in the center of these relationships, and I am so glad for that.  I believe that having genuine closeness among friends is so much better than having a ton of friends that you never grow close to.

So since I hadn't been with these two in a while, it was so much fun to spend an entire day spending too much money and rushing home because one of them had to walk in a parade. ;)  I am so thankful for my friends, and I have no idea where I would be without them today.  It's good to be alone sometimes for personal growth, but being with friends allows you to grow closer to yourself, your friends, and God.

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed." || Ecclesiastes 4:9


 

Inspiration Matters

Inspiration was definitely on my mind this week.  Why?  I have no idea, but I'm gonna talk about it.

A lot of things in my life seem to inspire me.  In good ways.  In bad ways.  In weird ways.  I was inspired by a Youtuber I watch to write this post.  Inspiration is all around.

Most of my inspiration comes from sites like Instagram, Pinterest, or Tumblr, but there are more genuine resources to look to.  A natural source of inspiration for me is hiking.  I become completely surrounded by God's incandescent creation and can't help but be inspired.  

Like today, my family and I went hiking twenty minutes from our house to explore the woods.  And being us, of course, we didn't just walk around.  My brothers and I swung on vines, climbed trees, and dodged the massive mud puddles.  I felt like a six-year-old.  An awesome way to find inspiration is to just be a kid again.  I'm not talking about throwing temper tantrums and using baby talk (though I might have).  I'm talking about purely playing in whatever environment you're in and enjoy every moment.

To me, people bring the most inspiration.  I see other woman all around me who live totally for Christ--while making my own mental notes--and wondering how they're doing it.  When I think about it, the answer is pretty simple: the Word.  The Bible is full of inspiration and encouragement on how to glorify God in everything you do.  I don't know about you, but I need to start looking there for more of my daily inspiration.

Think about what inspires you.  What is the outcome of this inspiration?  Is it good?  Or bad?  Allow inspiration to enter your mind and move you to do amazing things.

Trusting Is Worth It

I have no idea what I would be doing this summer if God hadn't blessed me with my job.

For the last year, I had a set summer job in mind: Barnes & Noble.  My mind was convinced that somehow I would end up working there.  I'm not really sure why.  Maybe because I love books, and I am a creative writing major, so I assumed they would hire me.

As the months went on I kept checking on the job openings for B&N, but nothing ever came up.  By May, I still hadn't applied for anything, and I was starting to freak out.  So when I came home from college, I applied to several jobs I knew I didn't want but did need.  I began feeling a little lost not knowing how I was going to make money for school.

After about two weeks of job searching, a girl I graduated with messaged me on Facebook.  She said she had been watching my vlogs and knew I needed a job.  She encouraged me to apply for a day care position where she was working.  My mind immediately felt peace, and I knew God was moving.

Fast forward two months to now:  I am working ten hours a day taking care of kindergartners, and I couldn't be happier.  God provided me with a job that has allowed me to save up money and be in an environment where I feel I belong.  I spend my days playing with, disciplining, and teaching these kids who I have come to adore!  What more could I ask for?

This experience has shown me that God provides, as long as you trust Him with your circumstances.  Trusting God has been a struggle for me since becoming a Christian, but I am slowly learning how to give Him all my worries.

Every morning on my twenty-minute drive to work, I pray out loud and thank God for this amazing opportunity.  Though each day is a challenge when the kids refuse to listen or are screaming, I know that God is allowing me to show His love to them all. 

"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." // Colossians 3:23 (NLT)

My (short) Testimony

 

 

By Sunday evening I had failed to come up with or plan any ideas for this week’s blog post.  So I decided to ask my fiancé what I should write about.  He told me that I should share my testimony.  Here it is.

Like everyone else who has a testimony to share, mine is unique to myself.  I went to church my whole life, but never gave my life to Christ until I was twelve.  This is the age I began to go to youth group, and it changed my life.  Well, not youth group itself but the leaders and fellow students.

One night after going to youth for a while, I felt that something was different.  I heard a voice inside my head telling me that I needed to change the way I was living.  Looking back now, I realize the voice was the Holy Spirit, but I didn’t know that then.

My story isn’t very dramatic.  It’s cut and dry.  It’s the journey since then that has been more of a roller coaster.  I have dealt with overcoming sin, anxiety, depression, and a lot of selfishness.  However, I can tell you with confidence that I am not the same person I was six years ago when I accepted Jesus. 

The moment you decide to change your life and focus on God is monumental, but I can tell you from experience that the decisions you make throughout your God-centered life will truly test your faith.  Saying “yes” to Jesus isn’t a one-way ticket to Heaven.  In order to live your life to the full, depending on and trusting in the Lord is the key.

Though surrendering your life to God is tough to follow through with, it is definitely worth it to serve God in everything you do.

Never Doubt the Struggles

It's been awhile.  Seriously, when was the last time I wrote here?  Or anywhere for that matter...  It's time I be real about why I haven't written at all: I am lazy.  And I apologize for that laziness.  I hope that I'll continue to write something each week that can encourage any of you who read it.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about.

This past week has been hard, with a capital H.  

I started a new job at a church-run day care, and you could say that it's a lot like parenting about 15 kids at once.  I don't know how that Duggars do it.  Each day of last week brought a different struggle to the already tough days I have.  Eighty percent of the time, the kids wouldn't listen, were loud, and constantly fought verbally and physically with each other.  

Don't get me wrong, I am super grateful for the job.  On the twenty minute drive to work every day, I pray.  I thank God for this opportunity and ask Him to be my strength and show these dear kids His love.  Plus, I'd probably be working at another fast food place if it wasn't for this blessing.

Out of the four 10-hour days I work during the week, I came home in a bad mood on all four evenings.  My attitude for the rest of the day was changed because I allowed the stress and frustration from my job to affect my heart and mind.  I knew that this job was a gift, but it felt awfully hard to keep up with.

Other than anything work-related, the week kept getting worse as I got closer to Friday.  My fiance and I planned for us to spend the weekend at his family's house in Michigan, and I was beyond excited.  What better than to spend quality time with the one you love when you had a stressful week?

But by Thursday, plans got changed and I was no longer going to Michigan.  My frustration rose a little.  Then my work schedule for Friday changed, and I was no longer going to be hiking with the kids but instead was going to be stuck inside at the church.  My frustration rose a lot.  Left and right, everything was going wrong.

And then I got sick.

I woke up Friday morning with a headache and a stuffy nose.  I knew a cold was coming on, but I went to work anyway.  Throughout the day, my symptoms got worse and worse, and by the time I got home, I had to relax the rest of the day.  In my mind, this week had become one of the worst yet this summer.  I mean, I spent each morning giving my day to God, and this is what happens?

And then I realized something.

I got sick on Friday, the day I was supposed to go hiking and to Michigan.  I would've been miserable the entire weekend if I had been sick while hiking with kids and driving 3 hours.  I had been blaming God for what was happening, when really I should have been thanking Him.  He saved me from a bad weekend and also allowed me to see my fiance on Sunday for a little bit.

This week I am starting fresh.  I will stay positive even when my day isn't going my way.  I will look to the Lord when stress creeps into my mind when kids are screaming and plans get changed.  I will continue to pray for love and strength and guidance so I can give my all to Him in every moment.

And I pray that you can do the same.

From Stress to Peacefulness

I sat at my laptop last night staring at the blank word document.  My thoughts wouldn't settle, but I knew one thing: this paper is due tomorrow.  I had gone through the source material, marked it up, and understood the essence of the assignment. You would think that I knew exactly what words to type on the keyboard.  No, that's wrong.  My brain was spent, and I began to stress about how I wouldn't turn the paper in on time--get a horrible grade--not pass the class--not graduate college--live out my days jumping trains and stealing people's garden vegetables...  

That may be a bit dramatic, but I did stress.  A long and slow process that took my soul out-of-body and squeezed the joy dry.  And that's not dramatic at all; it's true.

The thought that one little thing (like a D on a 2-page paper) can destroy my entire life is a lie.  It's just another one of those sucky situations that make the lyrics to the song "It's A Hard-Knock Life" relatable.  I just need to take a step back from the stress and a renewing breath and, as Elsa would suggest, let it go.  Unfortunately, that's not what I did.

Between the hours of 7 p.m. and 11 p.m. on a lonely Tuesday night, I dug myself into a deep hole that seemed near impossible to climb out of.  I yelled (out loud, to no one), complained to my mom on the phone, sobbed angry tears, and paced until my feet got tired.  I did everything a normal person would do when frustration hits.  I did everything but turn to God.

You see, I am a reader.  I indulge myself in the words of others and admire the beauty of how someone on this earth can conjure certain phrases.  I even read my Bible and do my devotions.  I read and read the promises and commands of Jesus, but I lack on the side of remembering them.  When I go through any kind of tough situation--whether stressful homework or an emotional crisis--I disregard the things the Bible says about how to deal with them.  I act out in anger, sadness, etc. until the current emotion I have fades away.

We all do it.  We study the truths of God, but when it comes time to act them out, we forget.  Our sinful nature focuses on how to receive immediate relief which usually involves some kind of emotional breakdown.

To be honest, it's extremely hard to keep a Christ-like attitude when we're in the midst of personal turmoil.  We need strength and persistence and love in order to turn the other cheek.  We need God.

Paul says in Philippians 4:6-7,
"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

It's all right here, folks, even though we all fail to truly see it.  Paul tells us to pray about everything, and thank God for all He has done.  If we do those two simple things, we will receive His unfailing peace.

Pray & be thankful.

About six months ago, I started reading a book that I think might change your life: One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp (www.aholyexperince.com).  Ann writes about how she had a hard time in life with anxiety but eventually gained the peace of God because she kept a journal.  This woman recovered from severe anxiety because she wrote 1,000 things she was thankful for in a notebook.  What an amazing transformation from such a simple idea.

When I finished this book, I couldn't help but start a "eucharisteo" journal of my own.  (Eucharisteo is the Greek term for "thanksgiving.")  Ever since I started, I randomly write down gifts from God, constantly looking back through the pages.  I promise you that it changes the way you see your life.  Once you begin to realize all of the gifts God gives you, your attitude will change for the better.

Prayer comes with the notion of being thankful.  After writing down gifts, verbally thanking God for them is  a way to connect more with Him.

So start a eucharisteo journal and pray through it.  You will begin to sense God's peace being poured on you as you trust Him more through the providence He has already shown you.

Trust is Everything

"Fear keeps life small."

That short statement has been resonating in me since I read it in Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts yesterday.  Fear has been an undefeated villain within the story of my life for many long years.  Nights of endless tears and surprise anxiety attacks can account for my constant struggle with being afraid.

What am I afraid of?

That's the question, isn't it?  I could insert many answers there that would be satisfactory: the unknown, the future, making decisions, death.  But whenever I fill in the blank, it seems like an excuse for the true reason.

Will I ever figure out what it is that cause me so much worry?  My mind wanders all over the place, but it only comes up with something new to stress over.  Sometimes it feels as though I will not only never know the answer, but that I will also never be free from the pain.

While reading Voskamp's book, she mentions a verse in John 6 that says, "Jesus replied,'This is the work that God asks of you: that you believe in the one whom he has sent'" (verse 29).  The word "believe" here is an action, signaling the act of trusting God.

Then it hit me.  The underlying reason of my fears and anxiety is that I lack trust in God.

So what does it mean to trust God?

Trusting God requires the surrender of every little thing within my life.  Each minuscule decision I make eventually leads down the path in which my life goes, and trust is allowing God to direct that path, starting from the small decisions.

Trust is everything.

The joy that will come out of my trust for God will be worth the effort it took to surrender everything to Him.  How can I not believe in the good that He has for me?

A New Adventure

I am the student who has changed my major quite a few times (3 to be exact!)  Since my younger years, I have always had a harder time than the other kids trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up!  

Of course, having that stress as a child is nothing compared to the stress that is revealed once you reach college.  People are constantly asking "What's your major?" and "What do you plan on doing after school?"  My answer was always: "I feel like God is leading me (fill in the blank)."

The real, honest truth...

I. DON'T. KNOW.

Up until this summer, I had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to do with my life after college.

This fact caused me anxiety, stress, uncertainty, and shame.  Everyone else around me knew their plan, had it all figured out.  I felt as though others were judging me, thinking, "she should know what she wants to do by now."  I felt utterly inadequate.

At the time, I was completely ignorant of God's truth about my life:

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those God and are called according to his purpose for them." // Romans 8:28

How could I forget this promise?  The one that I had spent years resonating on and taking comfort in during those hard times.

And then I realized,

THIS IS OKAY.

It is okay for us to not know what we are going to do or accomplish or experience in our future.
That's the beauty of it.  That's the adventure that God invites us to go on with Him.  The mystery of His omniscience is one of the reasons for why He is so worthy of worship.

It all comes down to this:

WE MUST TRUST GOD.

Without giving our whole life and trust to God, we will have nothing.  He is everything.

"Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow.  Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me.  All day long I put my hope in you." // Psalm 25:4-5

Since I have put my trust in Him, God has filled me with passion for writing and has called me into that field, whatever may be the result of it.  Trusting Him is always the best option, I promise.

You're Gonna Suffer, But You're Gonna Be Happy About It.

Is it possible to cry so much that you run out of your own tears?  I hope so, because I feel as though I should have run out by now.

College is really taking a toll on me this semester.  I am extremely homesick and would do anything to make my anxiety-induced pain go away.  And I have been crying constantly for a number of reasons: physical pain, emotional trauma, my anxiety, missing my family, and calling out to God.

I am not writing all of this because I want pity, but I want to encourage anyone who is going through a similar situation.

THIS PAIN WILL END.  

I promise.  God promises.  He will be there for you always no matter what you're going through!  This is a time--for me--that will allow me to draw closer to my Savior because He is the only source of life I have right now.  He is reason I am not wallowing in deep depression.  He is my joy and my peace!

So I encourage all of you to trust in God, whatever situation you're in at this very moment!  That
pain demands to be felt in order for growth to be evident.  God will be your comfort and your strength.  Seek Him, and you will find Him.  He loves you, and He is waiting for you.


"Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you." || 1 Peter 5:7

I would really appreciate prayers for my transition to college life and being away from my family.  Please pray that God will give me strength to pull through and not take the easy way out.  Thank you!
{Notice the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban reference in the title!}

How To Not Plan

If you have lived on this earth for any amount of time, you know that plans change.  It's an inevitable fact that unfortunately sends my mind into a whirling chaos.  I have the OCD personality that overreacts when big changes occur (pray for me!).  For whatever reason, my ignorant brain doesn't seem to learn that nothing happens according to plan.  Maybe you have this issue too?  Or it might be just me.

Recently, I have had to make a decision that would change the path of my life while also forcing my comfort out of the picture.  I have always been passionate about writing and I knew it was something I wanted to make a living at, but I allowed myself to conform to the safety of keeping my history major instead of switching.  A part of me had an unsettling feeling, but I chose to ignore it.  That feeling emerged again when my fiance and I talked about what I was called to do, which terrified me.  Throughout the conversation, I became nervous and began questioning everything.  It wasn't until he declared that he thought changing my major to writing would be best for me that my mind slowed down.  In that moment, it was like God made the answer perfectly clear: pursue a career of writing.

Now I am in the stressful process of dropping and adding classes to fit my new major, which I have yet to change!  To me, this whole thing is crazy.  I am learning to trust God like never before, so I'm grateful I took this opportunity, bravely.

Trusting in the Lord is a powerful thing that will take any unexpected plans and put them into perspective, into His plan.  While it is difficult to surrender your life to God, He promises nothing but blessings in return.  You might not have the picture perfect life, but you do have a perfect Savior who make it all worth it.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." || Proverbs 3:5

What Reading Has Taught Me About Jesus

I just need to write about books today. So, here goes nothing.

All of my life I have reads books.  From The Magic Tree House to Harry Potter to Crazy Love, I have always been turning the pages.  I seriously need a new bookshelf because mine is about to fall over and crush me in my sleep.

Of course, there have been times when I get bored with reading and stop, but then I realize how much I miss it.  There have also been times when I stall in the middle of a book and wind up taking 6 months to finish it.  Sometimes I don't even finish books.

Though I seem to have mixed emotions about them, I can't get enough of books!  They influence my life in countless ways every day.  They allow me to escape into worlds where everything is different, for a change.  Others teach me about relationships and history and people of this world and God.

The thing is, I always find my way back to books.  It's kinda like my relationship with God.  Or exactly the same.  Yeah, it's the same.

It is really really easy to stray away from God, especially when life becomes stagnant.  We find that it makes sense to praise God during times of blessings, but what do we do when life becomes tough?  I know what I do (most of the time): complain to God.  I stop communing with Him, and I lose focus on the path He has laid before me.

The time comes, typically, when I miss God (even though He never left).  The cycle continues with a "good enough" relationship, and life goes on, until the same events happen again.  Does this sound familiar to you?  

Well, I know I am tired of this routine.  I want to live relentlessly for God and seek His face every day without complaining or laziness.  I desire to glorify Him in my relationships, how I take care of myself, my school, my writing, and every little thing.  I want to show others His love and His light, no matter what comes my way.  I want to be wholly surrendered to Christ, above all else.

Right now, I am changing the way I live.  No more "normal" living.  I will be bold.  I will take a stand.  I will be brave for Jesus.

Will you join me?  Will you break out of the norm and run to the Lord?  
{He will use you just as you are, I have no doubt.}

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." || Jeremiah 29:13

Brave Spirit

I want to be brave.

I don't want to be afraid to step out.

I don't want my fears to hold me back from doing something monumental.

The truth is, this is harder than it seems.  Unfortunately, worry is something that all of us deal with, and to be honest, it sucks.  Like a lot.

Before we can commit to anything, we were taught to make a list of pros and cons that will eventually lead us to the right decision.  Is this the right way to do this?  Isn't this just a form of worrying that God tells us not to do?

I am a nervous person in general, so when I think about myself doing anything with boldness, my body cringes, while a rush of anxiety tenses me.

Most of the time, I fail to realize that God has freely given us His Holy Spirit for these exact situations.

The Spirit is meant to lead us in the ways of the Father, so we will not be led astray.  All we need to do is ask.

This almost seems too simple.  Like, "God, are you sure you don't want be to be at a certain level of Christianity before you put the Holy Spirit inside of me?"

The answer to this question is "no."  After we have been reconciled with God, He sees us as His Son: perfect and blameless.  He gladly desires to fill us with His living Spirit.

"So after we receive the Spirit, the worry is gone?"

Again, no.  We will always be tempted to worry in all circumstances.  In those moments, when we are about to cave in, we must call on the Spirit to lead us away from sin and toward righteousness.  He will never fail us.

Of course, being sinful creatures, we will have the times when we fail, but we shouldn't be doubtful of the Spirit, because He forgives us!  We have unending forgiveness in not only the Father and Jesus, but also in the Spirit.

Be brave.  Be brave in the Spirit of the Lord, who formed every part of you.  He's worth it.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.  Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me.  Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.  And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. || Oceans

Simplicity

Simplicity.  This word has been fluttering around in my brain for the past couple of days more often than normal, so I have to ask the question: "Does eternal life require that we all live earthly life the same way: successful and smart?"

I feel as though the obvious and most common answer to this question is "no," however most of the people in society live in conformity.  It saddens me because God created us all to be different.  Everyone wants to achieve the "American dream," complete with success, financial stability, a college degree, a nice house, and a comfortable living.

What if none of this was important?

Yes, I am asking that question.  The hardest question of them all. 

"We don't want to live an uncomfortable life."
"We need those nice things because that's what everyone else has, they make life easier."
"It's not a sin to possess stuff, they are blessings from God."

Well, what if God wants us to be uncomfortable?
What if He desires us to have a more challenging life?
What if He wants us to focus more on Him than on our earthly possessions?

To be honest, the answers to these questions are already known.  You can find them in the Word that was personally given to you by the Lord.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (Romans 12:2)

"Then [Jesus] said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'" (Luke 9:23)

"Jesus looked at him and loved him.  'One thing you lack,' he said.  'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then come, follow me.'  At this, the man's face fell.  He went away sad because he has great wealth." (Mark 10: 21-22)

God has called every one of His children to be divergent within the culture and society of the world today.  It is a difficult change that will test your faith and trust in God, but isn't it worth it?  Isn't it worth serving Jesus and becoming the hands and feet of His Church?

Living simply is something that I have been wanting to pursue for a few months but have kept putting off.  I want to desperately rid my life of the unnecessary junk that is weighing me down every day.  I want to own a minimal amount of stuff. 

The less I own in my life, the more Christ will own my life.

Hopefully, this will become a passion to me that will allow me to glorify God more with my life.  I pray you will be motivated to do the same, giving Jesus your earthly possessions.

Ponder

{Have you ever just stopped to think?  For a moment?  For a minute?  For an hour?  Not thinking while accomplishing tasks, but genuinely pondering.  It's a sensation that will leave you feeling raw and vulnerable and somewhat confused.  This generates creativity and a sense of closeness to God that only comes through reflective stillness.}

Thinking like this can lead to so many others pathways in the brain, they are too numerous to count.  The mind God created you with is amazingly complex and sometimes incomprehensible.  Every person's mind works differently, displaying God's idea of our uniqueness.

Just think...God has His own thoughts!  His thoughts about you outnumbered the grains of sand (Psalm 139).  How often do you think about your Creator?  The one who made your mind.... do you even give Him a second thought?  Do you think more about how you look or what's for dinner or your math homework?  Or is your mind consumed with thoughts of lust or hate or selfishness?

Of course, we can't control our minds on our own; that would be impossible!  However, everything is possible with God.

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.  Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.  Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
Philippians 4:8, NLT

Through surrendering our thoughts to God, we will be free of the bondage sin has on our mind.  We will be free to ponder over beautiful things and stories and love and family and serving.  Then will we truly be able to wander a state of mind that is ours.  A state of mind that God had in mind from the beginning.

Flying: A Nostalgic Poem

As the music of Rose plays

the wind weathers my wisps of hair

and my mind wanders to the places

it has visited before.

The Prayer of the Placid

Realizing that I haven't written in such a long time, I am forcing myself to sit down and do it.  With a mason jar filled with root beer and the Word at my side, I am trusting God to speak His words through me.

I have to admit, first off, that I have been full of doubt lately.  Doubt that God's plan is what is best for me.  I fail to truly believe His words sometimes: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).  I constantly tell myself that the Lord has called me to pursue writing as a career, but the whispers of disagreement fill my mind and persuade me to think differently.  I begin asking myself questions like, "Are you sure this is really God's plan for your life?" and "Are you ready to live your life on the opposite side of luxury in order to live out your calling?"  The answers to these questions have varied, and my heart has become confused within this internal storm.

I am trying my hardest to figure this out.  Maybe that's the problem; ME searching for an answer.  ME chasing God, instead of allowing Him to meet me where I am.  I feel worn out, from running in a direction that doesn't even have a trail.  I feel as though I have lost trust, in myself, in others, and in God.  My desire for security has blinded me, and because of this, I am missing the news of the ultimate Provider.  "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matthew 6:33).

I am stuck in a season of life where waiting is the grandest challenge, and yet the most evident part.  I have discovered a routine that leaves me tired and bored at the end of each day.  I am caught in a cycle of unintentional sin that will lead me to eventual destruction.  Oh, how I need my Savior!

There's only so much I can on my own that can raise me out of this rut.  My cries for my Father are silent and still.  They need to be loud and shaken, full of sincere longing for His unfathomable peace.

Dear God, I pray that you will revive this lifeless spirit and make it a new creation.  Allow me to bask in Your purpose that You have clearly laid out for me.  I desperately need Your wisdom to guide me along the righteous path.  Lord, hold my heart and inject it with passion for Your work and love.  Show me who You are, so I may delight in the beauty of Your character.  Remind me of Your love for me as well as Your promise of hope.  Awaken my love for You, O God.  Thank You for conviction, for it brings me back to Your feet.  Amen.

God Sustains: A Testimony of the Nervous

Sometimes a tingling sensation rises into my chest as my stomach twists and turns furiously. I know what this feeling means, but I try to push it back, refusing to acknowledge it. These anxiety attacks have only occurred at two different points in my life. When I left for college, out of fear of the unknown, I suppose, but that’s over now. Recently, the culprit has been not having in control of my future. I know in my mind that God has a plan, for my good, but I don’t know it in my heart. I am extremely prone to becoming easily nervous, and maybe that’s normal, however, it doesn't feel right. During these times, I sense loneliness, even though I’m not alone. It feels like no one cares, but someone does.  

The Lord loves me, but I seem to take it for granted or even forget sometimes. Only He can sustain me and bring me peace (Philippians 4). This morning, I cried out to God to bring me peace, not knowing whether or not He would comply. At the end of this day, I can tell you, though there were many tears, I have experienced the company of friendship, family, and my fiance, all encouraging me. I sang (loudly) the words of “Tomorrow,” trying vigorously to believe every single word.  

I am grateful to God for the way He answered my dearest prayer today. He got me through the troubles and suffering of this chaotic day, and I can see that He is good. He brought me His peace, which transcends all understanding. I will give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! His love is unconditional, and I am drowning in it.